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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24453787">Blank 8</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Diary of X [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Monsta X (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>I am fine, I dont know what i am doing, I'm Sorry, M/M, but the Fantasia mv is too beautiful, self indulgent, still dont, this is a reflection of how I feel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:35:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,408</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24453787</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh hi, I am the narrator of the story, yes, I was peeking at Kihyun’s diary, don’t tell him. And this story is written in third person so don’t worry.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun, Lee Minhyuk/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Diary of X [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766230</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>As in the tags, this is my projections. And if the summary is bizarre... well, the story isn’t, I want to try someone new. Ha. And yes, the chapter is short.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kihyun stares at his diary. Surely, his writing has progressed over the year, and he scrunches his nose at the coffee stain. He flips through the pages, because his mind is too muddled to think. His dad has yelled at him for his choice of major. An incessant murmur, firing like machine guns, and Kihyun thought his skull will split. But it passes and he comes home to warm dinner. He has complained to his friends, about how annoying his family is, indirectly of course, he’s not that much of a brat. Somewhere along, ‘I haven’t celebrated my birthday for three years.’ And he wears it with pride. On the fourth year, his family cooked a big feast. Beautiful birthday. When the conversation goes into a lull and they start to talk about his majors. Always on their minds. </p><p>‘How can you choose English Literature? Your writing is not that good, you will fail the course. Only the top of the top can graduate with a job. And you think you can?’ And Kihyun has withered at the words, with a heavy heart. And later he is on his phone, chest too tight to return his mother’s affection. His family ends the night with finance and calculations. He feels loved, and not. He does not have the right to complain, not in the age where children are dying and he is basking in comfort. </p><p>He texts his friends, hinting at his distress, but they crack jokes and he has no idea how to cope. So he sent a slightly salty message and panicked and deleted it and apologised. Can he choose the subject he likes? Maybe he isn’t that good anyway and he should quit. What does he like anyway? He can ace any curriculum and gets a stable job. Any job, if you stare at it for too long, becomes boring. So he doesn’t talk to his friends next day and hides away in obnoxious laughter and bad puns. </p><p>He looks at the tiles, with the ninth joke, he brightens and unfurls. Like a flower under sunlight, laughter which vaporises into calmness, a slight lull. Maybe he is selfish, he already has so much, but he wants more. Especially when his insecurity rain down in sheets, his imagination burn inside like a forest fire. He wants someone. He wants, but does he need it? Should he need more, if he already has so much? </p><p>His first love was easy and loud. On their dates, they played and laughed, he gave Kihyun a giant bear, and they had a love out of drama, perfect. But when Kihyun went home, he was relieved at the quiet and tossed the bear aside. He stared at white walls for an hour and let the energy shimmer away. </p><p>His second love was difficult. She wanted a man who shared her burdens, who hugged her tight in movies, who reassured her. Not a messed up like Kihyun, but Kihyun tried. He made her smile and gave her a shoulder to lean on. She tried too. Comforting him when he called late night, muttering about how he had let his parents down. They tried but they were tired. </p><p>Falling in love with Changkyun is weird. That fateful winter. Kihyun stumbled into the cafe, startling Minhyuk. Kihyun had ordered tea as coffee gave him nosebleed. He sat down, the table chattered with how badly Kihyun shook and other customers glared at him. A boy serpentined into the opposite seat and leaned on the table, stopping the chattering. They talked in the language of pleasantries and acted in the hands of manner. The boy gave Kihyun his hot pack, ‘stay warm and spare the poor table.’</p><p>Kihyun has crushes too, those fleeting moments where he waits for a voice to speak up. He would shy away in their presence, he doesn’t blushes, but secretly hoping they will look his way. Yet the bubble always bursts when they converse. Kihyun doesn’t pay that tea boy any heed, already forgetting his name upon second interaction. </p><p>‘Kihyun?’ The boy asked hesitantly and brightened up when Kihyun looked up. ‘Kihyun, the teacher is calling you!’</p><p>‘Oh shoot, thank you!’</p><p>Kihyun cursed when he got back the paper. He wondered what would happen back home. Restless rustling set him on edge. And the weight lightened with jokes and food among friends. He dreaded all the way home, but nothing happened. He lied and hid some details, and nobody said more than ten words, so Kihyun was grateful. And days go on on a rolling tape. Sometimes it scratches and anxiety pops like boba. Sometimes it is smooth, like RnB, like the music in his headphones. When everything is blissful, he flips through his diary. The fresh ink dries under his gaze. The fear is still palpable, and a wrong step, he will fall back into fear and guilt. Fresh ink now dries and fresh tears are on the page. Kihyun is scared, when the day comes again. Sometimes, the days go by in a ignorant flash, he doesn’t remember any of those days, all he remember is the blissful silence. He scoffs at his red reflection, ‘weak. You know it will go away. How weak.’ </p><p>School starts and he sits in the front row. </p><p>‘This project is simple. You will be paired up, I have the arrangements,’ the class grunts, girls looking longingly at each other. ‘The story, or essay, will be written individually, but the two should share a common plot. You can discuss the plot together or however you work. I want to show you how style affects a work. Identify certain elements that make up a style. And after this, pick one of your old work and rewrite it, like usual. I’ll give you one month.’</p><p>‘Two projects in one month?’</p><p>‘Yes, stop complaining. I have posted your partner on the classroom. Now go.’</p><p>Kihyun scrolls and sees Changkyun next to his name. </p><p>‘Hey Kihyun!’</p><p>So his name is Changkyun, ‘hi, Changkyun.’</p><p>‘So what do you want to write?’</p><p>‘I don’t mind,’ Kihyun shrugs, watching a dust fall. Changkyun follows the particle for a little while, ‘the journey of a dust?’</p><p>Changkyun is teasing but Kihyun doesn’t want to deal with it, ‘sure. Insignificance but so important, blah.’</p><p>Changkyun considers, looking around at animated students who pour rainbows onto their mind map and frowns, ‘let’s make it special?’</p><p>‘I’m sorry, but I’m not in the mood,’ Kihyun grimaces. Not in the mood is never an excuse, at least his family say. </p><p>‘Then... you know!’</p><p>‘I don’t.’ Ignored. </p><p>‘I saw a pea yesterday, in the shape of a heart, two joined together, I added it to my photo album of heart shaped plants! Here. Aren’t them cute?’</p><p>‘Very.’</p><p>So they scheduled time to meet up, at Kihyun’s house. </p><p>‘Dear, there’s a boy at the door?’</p><p>Kihyun snaps out of the homework-induced daze, ‘oh, English project.’ He stands up and checks his phone, no notifications. </p><p>‘Come on in, kept you waiting?’ Kihyun asks. </p><p>Changkyun waves, ‘no, I was stupid. Where’s your room?’</p><p>‘Here,’ Kihyun opens the door and Changkyun plops down in a chair. </p><p>‘Your room is so clean.’</p><p>Kihyun shrugs and opens his laptop, ‘so what do you want to write about?’</p><p>Changkyun stares at the ceiling, ‘glow in dark stars.’ Kihyun looks up to his ceiling, ‘I mean the project.’</p><p>‘What themes?’ </p><p>‘Cliche or no?’</p><p>Changkyun laughs, ‘if we cannot come up with anything after two weeks, we can try cliche.’</p><p>‘So brainstorm?’</p><p>Changkyun nods, ‘sure. You still need glow in dark stars.’</p><p>‘Do you have them at home?’</p><p>Changkyun smiles dimply, ‘when I was young, we had stars that turned on with a switch. I was so fascinated back then.’</p><p>Kihyun blinks, ‘oh. Are we writing about childhood?’</p><p>‘Let’s brain storm a bit more,’ Changkyun pouts. ‘We can dig more out and decide later.’</p><p>Kihyun frowns, ‘we can try.’</p><p>Every time they get together for English project, it ends up with daydreams and stories. Changkyun would hug a plushie close to his chest and Kihyun would sprawl out on his bed. </p><p>‘What are you thinking now?’ Changkyun draws. </p><p>‘I was imagining soft grass underneath me, warm sun on my skin, ocean waves.’</p><p>‘A lot of people like that aesthetic.’</p><p>Kihyun kicks off his shoes, fingers soothing out the frown. </p><p>Changkyun clicks his tongue, ‘how we write about daydream?’</p><p>Kihyun perks up, ‘let’s decide on the plot quickly.’</p><p>‘Sure.’ </p><p>And gone are their meetings. </p><p>‘You are not talking to that kid again, right?’</p><p>Kihyun nods. </p><p>‘I mean he’s a nice kid and all. Just a bit laid back. We just don’t want him to influence you and drag your grades.’</p><p>Kihyun nods. They finish the dinner and Kihyun washes the dishes. Laying in utter darkness, he glances at the grey ceiling and wonders about stars. Kihyun turns on the study light and scrolls in his chats. It is a pleasant lull, where he can feel confident in things he does, when the future doesn’t matter. He is tired of fighting for a better grade, tired of his falling apart future. With Changkyun, it is a bubble. And he temporarily forgets. But when he gets an exercise back, the bubble breaks. He checks the answer and feels his heart sink. It is such an easy exercise, how can he... Never been an outstanding student, will the teacher be disappointed? Probably not, been an underperforming student since day one. Maybe he never has the talent in the first place, not matter how hard he works, it will never work. So he sulks in his room, itching to do something. But knowing he can never succeed at that something. He flips in his diary, and tries to write. His phone lights up.</p><p>‘Hey, Ki.’</p><p>‘What’s up?’</p><p>For a moment, it feels like the universe is collapsing into itself then it expands. Kihyun takes a deep breath. </p><p>‘You alright there?’</p><p>‘Yeah. What’s the matter?’</p><p>‘Just wanna call someone as I do the correction.’</p><p>‘Why? Won’t it distract you?’</p><p>‘I always do it with Jooheon, but he is doing god knows what.’</p><p>Kihyun hates the call so much, it interrupts his grieving. Kihyun has felt like he is on a full speed train, speeding towards a cliff. And he feels the rain on his face, wind in his hair, cold and clinging to his chest is his shirt. And he is so relieved. But everything stops when Changkyun calls and he looks up to a normal Seoul, cloudy as always. So Kihyun sighs again, sinking in the the chair. In the call, Kihyun faintly hears typing sound. </p><p>‘You alright?’ Changkyun asks again.</p><p>‘Yeah, just murdering my mark with my eyes.’</p><p>‘It is one time thing, take it easy.’</p><p>‘I know,’ Kihyun doesn’t know. Every performance reflects his ability, if he is good, even if his grasp slips, he should still have a decent mark. So his thought spirals, into the dark hall to hell. </p><p>‘Can I come over?’</p><p>‘What?’</p><p>‘The idea popped up, so I wonder if I can come over?’</p><p>‘So spontaneous, huh?’</p><p>‘As always.’</p><p>‘But sorry... my parents are home, I don’t think you can.’</p><p>‘Raining on my parade,’ Kihyun can hear the pout from afar. </p><p>‘Sorry.’</p><p>‘Just joking, hyung, take it easy.’</p><p>So the call stretches, when it ends, all the grieve accumulates into a dark cloud. And he softly cries. </p><p>‘Dinner’s ready!’</p><p>‘I’m coming in a second. Just finishing up my homework.’</p><p>‘Come here now! Homework can wait!’</p><p>‘Just a page.’</p><p>He dries his leaking eyes and slips into the bathroom to clean his face, right, he can blame his red eyes for yawning. </p><p>‘Sleep if you need to, don’t force yourself to study if you’re tired.’</p><p>‘Ok,’ rest who? He is nearing failing. </p><p>When he closes the door at night, he can’t cry anymore. It is a stifling silence, and he waits patiently for blues, but all he is left is a perpetual numbness. It comes and goes, but the progress is still difficult. Being happy is like on swing and you reach the highest point, you eventually come down. It is the rule of nature. Next day he sees Changkyun, they wave at each other and go on separate ways. Kihyun laughs at Minhyuk’s jokes, Changkyun teasing Hyungwon’s beanpole physique. Minhyuk sees Hyunwoo and his world stops for a split second, Kihyun can feel the gears in Minyuk’s head stopping. Hyunwoo waves at Minhyuk and Minhyuk breaks into a wide grin. Days roll on, Kihyun is still suspended on a thin rope. Hyunwoo steals away his best friend with kisses. Sometimes when Kihyun has Minhyuk by his side, Minhyuk talks about Hyunwoo, Hyunwoo’s board chest, his soft hair and softer lips. </p><p>‘Why do you like him?’</p><p>‘There’s no reason. He’s special.’</p><p>Kihyun hums as he flings his legs over the handrail.</p><p>‘You’re gonna die,’ Minhyuk says. Kihyun looks down at running students, at colourful balloons. ‘I won’t fall. Why are you so happy with him?’</p><p>‘He loves me.’</p><p>‘How do you know?’</p><p>‘He cares about me, he shares my problems.’</p><p>‘So he’s a solution.’</p><p>‘I hate that we are talking about my boyfriend like this.’</p><p>‘Then drop it,’ Kihyun says as his grip on the handrail tightens. He sees Changkyun’s mouth moving and people passing. They move, away from the trees, and out of Kihyun’s sight. He sees Hyungwon frowning, maybe he is not that high up anyway if he can see small details so well. The sky is wide. And he breaks into a grin, he kicks his legs like a child. The sky is wide and he is a bird, soaring and nothing matters. He breaths and is relieved. He gets off the handrail and steps on the balcony. </p><p>‘You are going to die,’ Minhyuk narrows his eyes. </p><p>‘I won’t.’</p><p>‘And Hyunwoo is not a solution, but a promise that he will be with me.’</p><p>‘You know I’m with you too,’ Kihyun says in a small voice. </p><p>Minhyuk’s eyes are soft as he ruffles Kihyun’s hair, ‘I know.’</p><p>When they have literature lesson again, Changkyun sits next to Kihyun, ‘what are you doing?’</p><p>‘Doing what?’</p><p>‘If you weren’t careful, you could’ve died!’</p><p>‘But I was careful, wasn’t I?’</p><p>Changkyun glares at Kihyun’s nonchalant words, ‘you’re irresponsible.’</p><p>‘I know,’ Kihyun cuts him off. A lot of people want to live my life and I am out there risking it. ‘But I am responsible, I know I won’t fall, and I won’t let myself fall. You can go back to your friend now.’</p><p>Changkyun’s eyes under the stadium light almost look red, but he turns his head, and they are brown, ‘so you will do it again?’ Changkyun asks without looking at Kihyun. </p><p>I will, ‘I won’t.’</p><p>Changkyun’s shoulders slump and waves Hyungwon over. Kihyun wishes they aren’t here. Two presences he can’t ignore but is too tired to deal with. So Kihyun jots notes and dies a little when the two-hour lecture ends. They left before Kihyun. That night, Kihyun looks at the window, at the yellow lamppost that he pretends is the moon. At the red brick road. He watches the leaves move, the banner flips. He can’t see people in the streets, only occasionally the cars swish by, a rumble of thunder. The next day repeats itself, but no, Kihyun is not in the balcony. And days roll on. And winter approaches, the city desaturates, growing bluer and bluer. He sees his breaths misting around his mouth. He hides under his cover and waits. Kihyun sometimes finds himself wondering what did he eat in his last meal. But he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember what is the colour of Minhyuk’s shirt. Somehow he finds himself on the balcony. Leaning over, he watches leaves crunch under passerby. He can stay like this forever, can the bell ring later? There’s a desperation for time to stop, to stop grinding his soul. He cannot muse with the trees now they are bare. The crisp branches can pierce the sky, can pierce his heart. And the harsh wind can freeze his blood. His lips are chapped, pain growing over small wounds like vines, green and latching on small cracks. Someone hugs him from behind, ‘please don’t jump...’</p><p>‘I am not jumping, you fool,’ Kihyun laughs but the laughter is stuck in his throat when the hold tightens. ‘I am fine, I simply want to look from a vantage point for my project.’</p><p>‘Please don’t jump, at least not today,’ Kihyun recognises the voice to be Changkyun’s. </p><p>‘No fool will jump in university,’ Kihyun laughs. </p><p>‘So you’ll jump elsewhere?’</p><p>‘No, no, no,’ Kihyun rushes. ‘I don’t mean it like this. Please, I am not jumping, cross my heart, never in a million year.’ Kihyun wiggles out the hold but Changkyun engulfs him in another hug, and Kihyun’s chin rests awkwardly on Changkyun’s neck. </p><p>‘You can cry,’ Changkyun rocks them back and forth. ‘It is ok, everything is ok now.’</p><p>Kihyun is confused, ‘listen, I am not suicidal.’ The hold stiffens. ‘I am just here for a good time.’</p><p>‘Good time?’ Changkyun asks, oh no, Kihyun thinks, he is angry. ‘You can have a good time anywhere else, why the balcony?’</p><p>‘My friend and I visit here all the time, we hide candies here.’ It’s true. ‘I am really not thinking about jumping, please.’</p><p>‘Are you stupid or stupidly brave?’ And Kihyun knows he is not talking about this incident, but the ‘sitting on handrail’ one. </p><p>‘Neither,’ Kihyun reassures him. ‘I am fine, really fine, finer than fine carbon powder. Finer than 24k gold rings.’</p><p>‘Ok,’ Changkyun loosens his hold. ‘You are buying me coffee because you upset me.’</p><p> ‘Ok,’ Kihyun says hastily. ‘Ok, let’s go.’</p><p>Kihyun hoped it was the last time he saw that kid. If only life is as easy as a wish.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They hand in their projects, Changkyun read Kihyun’s, but Kihyun doesn’t bothering reading the kid’s. Days roll on. He does his homework, get a bad grade? He cries and does more exercises. He seldom leaves home, too comfortable in his bubble. He is healthy but cannot convince Minhyuk. </p><p>‘Are you coming to the cafe?’</p><p>‘No,’ Kihyun scoffs. ‘You two lovebirds can fly high.’</p><p>‘You really should though, the food is heavenly.’</p><p>‘Lovebirds in heaven,’ Kihyun fake sighs. ‘Shakespeare can’t even.’</p><p>‘You shut up,’ Minhyuk yells over the phone. </p><p>‘Have a nice time,’ Kihyun laughs. ‘Being naughty in heaven.’</p><p>‘Shut up!’ Minhyuk screams and hangs up. </p><p>Kihyun studies quietly and rain falls. When he goes to sleep, he gets a notification, ‘rain coming at your location at 3:40’. The rain platters. When he was young, he tried to come up with a better description for rain, other than the cliches, ‘rain is the nature’s symphony’ or ‘dancing in the rain’. But now, slipping in and out of consciousness. Sometimes, it merges into a homogeneous sound with some percussion. Other times, the sheer volumes increase and Kihyun can hear every single drop. It stays in and out and Kihyun sleeps to cold drops hitting his skin, each a twinkling light. He wakes up to thunders cracking the heavens open. He lies on bed, slipping into a fantasy, then falls back into a dream, he acknowledges that the grey skies are in a post-storm glow. </p><p>‘Hey?’</p><p>‘Kihyun!’ </p><p>‘Minhyuk what are you doing?’</p><p>‘Come join us! We are going on a picnic!’</p><p>‘In such weather?’</p><p>‘What weather?’ He hears the curtains whoosh open, the voice falters. ‘Oh...’</p><p>‘No worries, we can go to bookshops...’ Kihyun weakly supplies. </p><p>‘Boring. We should video call! Call more people in, and we have an online party!’</p><p>‘What?’</p><p>‘You in?’</p><p>Kihyun drops his head into the pillow, ‘fine.’</p><p>Minhyuk high fives Hyunwoo, ‘my baby is coming out of his shells. I am touched.’</p><p>‘Call me a baby and I will twist your head off.’</p><p>The call ends and an invitation to a video call pops out, ‘can they chill?’ He accepts it and points the camera to his ceiling and snuggles into his bed. </p><p>‘Why was the ceiling invited?’ Changkyun asks. </p><p>‘That is Kihyun!’ Minhyuk yells into the phone. </p><p>‘Minhyuk, uh’ Changkyun starts. ‘I can see your throat.’</p><p>‘Kihyun! Wake up and be a social human!’ </p><p>‘Kihyun ah,’ Wonho, a music major who clicks with them like a magnet, says. ‘Minhyuk has told me about your unhealthy habits. I am worried about you.’</p><p>Kihyun lifts his face off the pillow and points the camera at himself, ‘ok.’</p><p>‘That’s my boy! Rise up and shine!’ Minhyuk yells. </p><p>‘What the...’ Changkyun looks at the mayhem unfolds while Hyungwon sits with a blank face. </p><p>Kihyun falls back to sleep with the phone in face. And Minhyuk screams, but the thunder has died, and it is not enough to wake Kihyun up. </p><p>Playing on a broken record, Changkyun blooms clear on near ear shell, ‘you are zooming out again.’ Kihyun focuses back on the whiteboard and ducks his head, ‘sorry.’ </p><p>‘Look at the screen.’ </p><p>Kihyun’s head snaps up, and sees their work. Kihyun cringes, ‘oh no, oh no.’ Changkyun snickers beside him. Kihyun shrinks at the words and turns red.  </p><p>‘Days flow through me like the music in my broken headphones, the lead vocals gone, only the skeleton of background music echoes, fascinating but eerie. Virginia Woolf says ‘still life had a way of adding to day.’ No, it is not true. Not when I stare at the purple constellations I created in my headspace. The stars grow and explode, into a light so bright, we humans thousand light years away can detect it. Green yellow and blue, the colours weave into the darkness.’ </p><p>Professor Kim comments but Kihyun cannot hear anything. The drums of pride beat in his chest. Changkyun pulls Kihyun into a hug, Professor Kim quirks an eyebrow but doesn’t question. And Kihyun truly listens to Changkyun’s writing. </p><p>‘Stars in my cosmos are beautiful. The boy in my dream is beautiful. The music the forest hums is beautiful. I would be deemed as crazy if I continue. A car rumbles under my window, a man’s silence can never be kept. The glow in the dark stars are so childish. These artificial green gives me headache. But this is the closest replica of heaven I can get. Walmart heaven. I let the pendulum swing. The stars bring me into a weird land of nostalgic. One where I build stories on these permanent green stars. I roll off bed and oh, isn’t the floor cold.’ </p><p>‘Well, nice imagery, but that’s all. No plot? It is unusual. Well, I am displaying to show you not everything needs an exciting plot, just commentary on today’s weather is ok too. Although, plot usually brings out a morale naturally, it is less forceful than a simple scenery. Yeah. Next.’</p><p>The ambiguity sets Kihyun on edge, is it good or bad? </p><p>‘We did a great job!’ Changkyun whispers. </p><p>‘Really?’</p><p>‘Trust me! I have a better intuition than most!’</p><p>‘Should we celebrate?’ Kihyun wants to trust him and asks.</p><p>‘Didn’t know you were  the type to celebrate.’</p><p>‘Am I that boring to you?’</p><p>‘Well, you did turn down my offer to come over.’</p><p>‘That was ages ago with a legitimate reason.’</p><p>‘Whatever you say.’</p><p>They meet up on a Sunday, the winter is harsh on bare skin. They walk down the streets, without an aim. Following  the sun, Changkyun has said. They talk about anything that pops up. Kihyun has a strong sense of finality sinking into his bones. That this is his future. Worrying about his capability and getting recognised and the cycle repeats. That he will walk away from certain things. It is a time for letting go. Changkyun hugs Kihyun when Kihyun gets too quiet. Kihyun hugs back, as tightly as he can. Finality. It is scary. He holds onto Changkyun, the reminder of how everything is still the same. Changkyun, Kihyun realises with a start, is still the same. He doesn’t cry. He won’t cry in front of Changkyun. </p><p>‘You alright?’</p><p>Kihyun shakes his head, ‘let’s buy some glow in the dark stars, I want to get pastel ice cream stickers too.’</p><p>Changkyun is startled but smiles nevertheless, ‘marching to the mall in triumph!’</p><p>‘So dramatic.’</p><p>That day, Changkyun suggests going to the beach. Kihyun has been scared but let the air of freedom carry him away. Kihyun sits on the rocks while Changkyun laughs in the wind, reciting broken Shakespeare. Changkyun ends up having sand in his shoes. </p><p>‘We should come back again in summer,’ Kihyun says while Changkyun empties the sand out. </p><p>‘If you want to.’</p><p>‘With you!’</p><p>Changkyun laughs. </p><p>Nothing really changed from then on. Changkyun still clings to the beanstalk, Kihyun spends his time trying not to third wheel, making quick friends with Wonho. They would tease Minhyuk and Hyunwoo’s lovey dovey displays. Wonho finds Kihyun’s voice a heaven’s match in his next track. Somehow Kihyun spends his days in the studio, typing away the literature analysis. Singing when his ideas stuck. Singing when the wind turns. Hyungwon would drop by. And Joohoen would rap. Aggressive, in Changkyun’s words, like a crazy dog in the town. Kihyun has frowned at the expression, isn’t it a bit negative? Changkyun has stuck his tongue out, that’s the spirit man! Sometimes Kihyun will invite Changkyun over when his family is on trip. So Kihyun calls.</p><p>‘Why, it is so rare to see you so good natured.’</p><p>‘I can retract the offer anytime.’</p><p>‘Last time I loitered in front of your house like a lost dog.’</p><p>‘What? When? And stop using the word...’ gulps. ‘Dog, it is so disrespectful.’</p><p>‘Oh? Ok. The first time I came over, I called the front door thingy.’</p><p>‘Intercom.’</p><p>‘Whatever. But nobody answered.’</p><p>Kihyun frowns, ‘call me next time. I will let you in.’</p><p>‘My phone died.’</p><p>‘Spontaneous much.’</p><p>‘Free spirited, you can never.’</p><p>‘Yeah yeah.’</p><p>‘I am at your door.’</p><p>‘So quick?’ Kihyun skips to the door and checks the eye. And he pulls open the door.</p><p>‘Hi.’</p><p>‘Hey! Your house is so clean, how is it possible?’</p><p>‘Unlike someone, we are a diligent family.’</p><p>‘You have a diligent family,’ Changkyun hums. ‘Nice. Should we decorate your room?’</p><p>‘Huh?’ Kihyun blinks. ‘Oh, that. Ok, yes.’</p><p>‘I can’t believe...’ Changkyun shakes his head. ‘It’s been a week and you still haven’t done it. So diligent.’</p><p>‘I am waiting for someone to decorate it with me.’ The sun is weird today, in an angle, Kihyun can see the faint pink on Changkyun’s cheeks. </p><p>They argue about where should they put the ice cream. Changkyun said putting it among the stars will be brilliant. But Kihyun says it’s unrealistic. </p><p>‘Honestly, who cares about that. It is your bedroom, science can fuck off.’</p><p>‘Language.’</p><p>‘Rules can fuck off, your parents aren’t even home.’</p><p>Kihyun squirms, ‘call me conservative. But swearing is too much.’</p><p>Changkyun gapes, ‘I pity your partner.’</p><p>‘Partner?’</p><p>‘Your girlfriend or boyfriend,’ Changkyun shrugs. </p><p>‘Wait why?’</p><p>Changkyun kicks off his shoes as he climbs up a chair, ‘you know what.’</p><p>‘Wait what?’</p><p>‘What what?’</p><p>Kihyun eyes Changkyun curiously, coming in terms with the words, ‘ok.’</p><p>Five ice creams end up on the ceiling, eight a rainbow above the bed, and three on the doorknob. Kihyun puts one on Changkyun’s cheek. And Changkyun puts a star on Kihyun’s nose. </p><p>‘You’re my star. You’re my star,’ Changkyun sings. ‘You’re my star.’</p><p>Kihyun pulls a face, ‘are you serious?’</p><p>‘I’m a star. I’m a star.’</p><p>‘You sound like a recorder, loop within a loop.’</p><p>‘We the brightest stars. We the brightest stars! We the brightest stars...’ Kihyun buries his head under the cover. And Changkyun tugs the cover off and sings on the top of his lungs, ‘You’re my star! You’re my star!’</p><p>‘I get it,’ Kihyun grimaces. ‘Please stop.’</p><p>Changkyun deflates and snuggles under the cover, ‘can I sleep here?’</p><p>Kihyun blinks, ‘unless you are my boyfriend.’</p><p>‘But I don’t want to move,’ Changkyun sprawls out, doing grabby hands at Kihyun. </p><p>‘I feel so stupid,’ Kihyun says as he lies on his own bed, that isn’t his. </p><p>Still, nothing really changes. Kihyun and Changkyun study together in the library for final exams. Kihyun and Changkyun go on road trip while Minhyuk screams into the hairbrush, Hyungwon dozing off in the backseat, Hyunwoo cheering Minyuk on. When summer comes, they go to the beach, with a towel and a swimming suit. </p><p>‘This is stupid!’ Kihyun screams as Changkyun pushes him into the water. ‘Changkyun!’</p><p>‘What?’ Changkyun laughs as he splashes water onto Kihyun’s face, ‘coward!’</p><p>‘Shut up,’ Kihyun splutters and swims. He sneakily gets behind Changkyun and tackles Changkyun. </p><p>‘You sneaky bastard,’ Changkyun laughs, pulling Kihyun down with him. </p><p>Kihyun is in too good of a mood to scold Changkyun about language. Days don’t really roll on. Time flies too quickly when Kihyun is with Changkyun in their stupid adventures. When he sits down to write about their day, the memory is elongated, he remembers every detail so vividly, they play before him like a technicolour movie. </p><p>Kihyun remember writing, ‘being with you is not a risk, but a boundary I am desperately pushing. But you are an inspiration, a constant. And I love you for that.’ Kihyun writes unabashedly, true to his feelings, he empties everything out. But Kihyun never tells Changkyun. Maybe he should. </p><p>‘Why are you not at home these days?’</p><p>‘I was in library doing my project.’ Sometimes. </p><p>‘Are you? You came home with wet hair few days ago.’</p><p>Kihyun digs a hole in his rice, ‘that was just one time. I am an adult, I know what I’m doing.’</p><p>‘You’re an adult, not a liar.’</p><p>‘Some days I hang out with my friends.’</p><p>‘Who?’</p><p>‘Good people.’</p><p>‘Liar.’</p><p>‘Minhyuk that lot.’</p><p>‘That screamo.’ </p><p>‘Yeah.’</p><p>‘Ok, be careful. Keep your grades up and enjoy your life. So go play, just don’t over do it.’</p><p>Kihyun smiles, ‘thank you.’ Enjoy life. </p><p>The next day, Kihyun sits in the lecture, when Changkyun comes, Kihyun smiles, ‘hey. I like you.’</p><p>Changkyun stares, ‘I like you too?’</p><p>‘Be my boyfriend?’</p><p>Changkyun blushes and grin, toothy and dimply, ‘I thought i already am.’</p><p>Kihyun rolls his eyes and returns to writing. </p><p>‘Not even a kiss?’</p><p>Kihyun looks and laughs, gives a fleeting kiss. Changkyun giggles. Hyungwon comes by just a minute before the lecture starts. </p><p>‘What’s up with you two?’ </p><p>Kihyun looks up from his work, ‘what?’</p><p>Hyungwon frowns, ‘I don’t know. Something.’</p><p>‘Idiot, sit down,’ Changkyun jests. </p><p>Hyungwon nods and sits down and closes his eyes. </p><p>‘Was he dozing off at every lecture?’</p><p>‘I think so...’</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Excuse my self indulgent ass.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>‘Kyun ah,’ Kihyun whispers into the phone, the end disturbingly quiet. </p><p>‘Yes?’</p><p>‘Do you think I’ll be fine? The project, I mean.’</p><p>‘Of course, why not?’</p><p>‘I keep feeling that it’s not enough.’</p><p>‘How much is enough then?’</p><p>Kihyun ponders, ‘my best.’</p><p>Some shuffling, ‘then do it. I’ll be here, I can try to give you advice...’</p><p>‘Ok,’ Kihyun opens the laptop with a sigh. </p><p>They type away into the darkest night. </p><p>‘We can see the sunrise soon,’ Changkyun muses.</p><p>‘It is the darkest before dawn.’</p><p>‘I’m sleepy... can I come over?’</p><p>‘I.’</p><p>‘You?’</p><p>‘Don’t ring the bell,’ Kihyun says. ‘My family will kill you.’</p><p>Changkyun hangs up. After Kihyun types an extra paragraph, he gets a text. Kihyun tip toes down the hallway, and checks the eye, and lets Changkyun in. They tiptoe into Kihyun’s room. </p><p>‘The stars are pretty today.’</p><p>Kihyun rolls his eyes, ‘the sun is rising.’</p><p>Changkyun presses into Kihyun, head resting on Kihyun, they watch the sunrise in the small window. For a moment, it is bright white, and orange then yellow, the colour shifts. </p><p>‘We should see the sunrise on a mountain someday.’</p><p>Kihyun grins, ‘that’s on my bucket list.’</p><p>‘You have a bucket list, Mr Rigid?’</p><p>‘I do, you idiot.’</p><p>‘Should we cuddle and sleep now?’</p><p>Kihyun shifts and kisses Changkyun’s nose, ‘yes. I’m tired.’</p><p>Changkyun leans in for a deep kiss. Kihyun closes his eyes and feels wind in his hair. He feels like he is on the handrail again. The same thrill, the same exhilaration, with a slight tremble, Kihyun lets go and falls. He crashes into Changkyun’s warmth, which envelops Kihyun’s ribcage. Changkyun laughs against Kihyun’s lips. They break and Kihyun smiles a smile that reaches his eyes. </p><p>Sharing each other’s warmth, limbs entangled, they fall into a trance called dream. There, they breathed a bubble and daybreak can’t hurt them.</p>
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